Adaptation of: How to Know a Person by David Brooks
WHY DO WE NEED TO KNOW PEOPLE:
Jesus tells us the greatest commandments are to love God and to love people. Matthew 22:37-39 Likewise the Scripture exhorts us to “do nothing from empty conceit, but with humility of mind, regard one another as more important than self” Philippians 2:3 “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” Romans 12:15 “Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32 The Greatest Showman movie was a celebration of humanity. “The noblest art is that of making others happy! In the Avatar movies: “I SEE YOU” This book states that the thing we all need most is relationships. You live longer, happier, healthier if you have good relationships where you are heard, seen, understood and loved. There is often little we can do to cure those who are afflicted (we all are!) But there are ways we can make people feel deeply known and loved. Our goal is to be keenly perceptive with people we engage with, to envelop them in a loving gaze, to listen,listen,listen …to empathize and not fix or judge, to feel what they are experiencing, to give them a sense that we are right there with them, to share what they are going through, to see life through their eyes (not ours) and to make them feel heard, seen, understood,& loved! Love is spelled TIME (listening, validating, understanding them!) The universal need for all of us is: I am of worth, my feelings matter, someone cares enough about me to really know me.
MINDSET & FOUNDATIONAL SKILLS:
Pray before and during your interaction with people. The goal is to not just to see a person, but to see out from them. To know them you have to be able to see & feel how they experience the world. You try to understand their viewpoint on life, despite the fact that they are different, you respect them, empathize with them, even in ways believe in them….this builds them up. Since God knows everyone better than you do, ask God the Holy Spirit how you should interact with people and discern their perspective. i.e. “Lord what are you doing in this person’s life and how can I be a part of it?” People who are Illuminators build others up, they have a persistent curiosity about all people, ask the right questions to find out how & why they think the way they do, give undivided attention to, try to understand them, make them feel valued, cared for, treat them as a masterpiece created by Jesus, look for the good in people, and are tender with others. All of this is the purest form of love that lites people up. Diminishers make people feel small, unseen, judged & put down. They build themselves up, see people in stereotypes and as data, ignore others, use people for their glory & pleasure. “Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only such a word that is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear!” Ephesians 4:29 Example: Churchhill’s mom Jennie Jerome after meeting with Prime Minister Gladstone thought he was the smartest person in England. After meeting with Prime Minister Disraeli, she thought she was the smartest person in England!
HOW TO ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION:
1) Acronymn SLANT: Sit up, Lean forward, Ask questions, Nod your head ,Track with your eyes
2) Loud Listener: your eyes lit up; verbal affirmation “OOooh, EEeee, AAaah, amen, hallelujah; mimic their sad or happy face
3) Favor Familiarity: talk about them, what they know, what they are excited about Make them authors: describe their stories in detail, how did it make them feel?
4) Don’t fear the pause: if a story someone is telling you starts at the shoulder and ends at the fingertips, most people stop listening at the elbow & start formulating their response (which deteriorates your listening!) Instead: listen to learn rather than to respond. At the end (the fingertips) you may hold up your hand to give yourself time to then think of a response. (Japanese pause – 8 seconds US – 4 seconds)
5) Do Looping (fast food drive-by repeat your order): You repeat or paraphrase what others say to make sure you accurately understand. “What I hear you saying is______?” This makes you listen & remember more carefully. They also can correct your misperceptions & tell you what they believe.
6) Midwife model: assist others in giving birth to their insights not to give yours, you make them feel safe with confidentiality, and prod them to deeper feelings and honesty.
7)Disagreements: find the moral/philosophical roots of why, find the truth on which you both agree “the gem statement”, find something that is good/right about what they believe & develop it, don’t try to win or try to be right/superior. Love is the goal not change. If they are headed on a course of harming themselves or others, you can make a suggestion such as “What do you think about______? (A different course that protects)
8) Don’t be a topper: tell a story better than their story about the same subject…it just says that their story isn’t as interesting as yours. Just empathize & have them tell you more. Sit in their experience, walk a mile in their shoes, how do they perceive reality? We don’t see the world as it is but as we see it. Each person (you included) constructs his own reality. Anais Nin said: “We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are!” (With our entire life). We fit everything in life into our “bias”, the way we want to see things. In “The Chosen” episode when Jesus calls on Matthew the tax collector to follow him, Peter objects and tells Jesus, ‘He is different’. Jesus tells Peter, “Get used to different!’ Pray that we see clearly the way God sees reality and the world. “The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light!” Matthew 6:22
9) Accompaniment: start with small talk and ease into deeper conversation. Ride alongside, not forcing, no agenda, not trying to change (fix, convince of your bias). Example: Loren Eiseley naturalist essay on “The Flow of the River”. Took clothes off, floated down the Platte River, merged into the flow of the sky, water, plants/fish; his senses came alive and he saw how we are all connected to each other flowing down the river of life. Have patience…don’t be assertive, be playful & laugh (funny stories), be others centered – live to make them a success..have their own thoughts, if anxious, tearful, or tense moments – just be there for them not saying anything. The ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improving another but being able to see, walk with, believe in, build up your friend.
EMPATHY-when people fall down in life, don’t try to pick them up (fix them), instead get down on the floor with them & experience their life!
1) Mirroring their eyes, feelings, posture
2) Mentalizing – remember a time you felt like they do now. Re-experience those feelings
3) Caring – doing what they need….empathy! They don’t need how you would handle it.
People do not care how much you know, until they know how much you care. Hug them, hold their hand, put your arm around them. Caring touch melts the heart. Compliment them, delight in them. See the minutiae of people (emotional granularity). If you are good at recognizing and expressing emotions you will have a huge effect on others, have deeper relationships and help others have better self confidence. “Blessed be…the God of all comfort, Who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” II Corinthians 1:3-4 Phrases that communicate empathy from the book “I don’t have to make everything all better “ by Gary and Joy Lunberg. ‘That is awful, I’m so sorry that happened, what a great way to handle that, how did it make you feel, what a challenge, can you help me understand exactly what you mean?/tell me what you are going through? You were so wise to say/do that.’
LIFE STORIES
Ask people to tell their life stories maybe starting with childhood and going through their homelife, experience with God, school, jobs, military, marriage, family, friends, the highs and lows & turning points of their life, worst trauma/tests, greatest achievements/lessons they have learned, what they see themselves doing in the future, etc Everyone wants to talk about themselves and having them tell a story from their life makes them feel valued. Therapists are story listeners and editors of helping people. They do so by helping people have hope, power over their lives, coming up with their own solutions, having someone who cares about who they
are/their worth and listens to their feelings. Imago is your archetype of what part you hope to play in society/life: Warrior, Healer, Arbiter, Caregiver….whichever one they are it should end as a story of redemption/worth.
QUESTIONS: help people open up on an expedition of understanding, new thoughts, being heard and appreciated.
HOW did you WHAT is it like TELL me about… don’t use Why/But What happened in your childhood that makes you see the world that way?
Take me back to your first memories…how did they shape you? What lessons did you learn?
How were you treated at home, at school, at church?
What makes you feel the most alive?
What crossroads are you at?
If you died tonight, what would you regret not doing?
If the next 5 years is a chapter in your life, what does that chapter look like?
How do you hope to spend the rest of your life?
How did that make you feel? Sad, mad, glad, angry? Do you feel lonely?
Tell me about a time you adapted to change?
What is really working well for you? What are you most confident about?
What has become clearer to you as you have aged?
How have you changed your standards over time?
What is the most important thing in your life? Who shaped your values the most?
What did your parents want you to be? If you could change your life what would you do?
What is the hardest thing you ever went through? What did you learn?
Tell me about your family, job, how you spend your free time, vacations etc
UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE:
Coping mechanisms:
1) Avoidance – they don’t ask for help, self-sufficient, don’t have needs, relentless
2) Deprivation – parents don’t pay attention, they don’t feel worthy, blame themselves when others treat them badly
3) Overreactivity -abused as a child …paranoid, everything is dangerous, hyperactive
4) Passive-aggressive…emotions not addressed, conditional love, withdrawal, self pity causing an indirect expression of blaming others, sarcasm, silent treatment
5) Anger – don’t feel heard, don’t measure up. Use anger/lashing out to protect, control
Personalities:
1) Lion – imperialist, dominate, leader, self centered, confident I’m right
2) Otter – extrovert playful, happy go lucky, glass half full positive
3) Beaver- conscientious, perfectionist, self-regulate, competent
4) Golden Retriever – agreeable, helpful, selfless, forgiving, softhearted
5) Kiwi – neuroticism fearful sad anxious but can spot danger better
6) Cardinal – beautiful, openness, artistic, have transcendent spiritual experiences
Life Tasks…stages of development…like wine you get better over time!
1) Toddler says no to be his own person,
2) Imperial – the world is about me, how I am valued …try to impress
3) Interpersonal – think about social status “Do people like me?” Conformist
4) Career consolidation – drive to be good at something, make a difference in the world but the cost is detachment from relationships/emotions
5) Generative Task- in middle age…how can I give back to the world. Help & lift up people to be better…guide the generations
6) Integrity – see things from multiple perspectives, have more emotion & depth, face death & life with maturity
“But we all with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the Glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory just as from the Lord the Spirit.” II Corinthians 3:18
Ancestors:
The place you come from and never quite leave. You are part of a movement from one generation to another. You become what you are modeled in your family, have the DNA of your family…strengths and weaknesses. Your kids pay you back what you did to your parents!
1) Western/Greek are in the minority/outliers….individuals, achievement oriented, materialistic, set up separate households, moralistic, independent, stoic, sort by categories, low/don’t show emotions
2) Eastern- stay together with their family, c0nform, teamwork not individualistic, may lie to protect family, sort by relationship, respect for authority, harmony. Equatorial climate more emotional
WISDOM: you think before you speak, cool down before you act, encourage and lift up always.
If there is the necessity rarely to confront, then you sandwich it with praise to begin and end with. Word pictures like the prophet Nathan gave David where you tell them a fictional story about a subject that is their passion, insert them as a character in the story who is doing something that is harmful and let them pass judgment on themselves. II Samuel 12:1-14
Wisdom is the ability to see deeply into who people are, how they should move in complex situations, seeing life as others see it, loving people, making them feel heard, respected, valued, seen.
Wisdom is much more than just being intelligent and making smart choices.
Wisdom is not showing you are smarter but making others feel better.
If the conversation is tense, then say You are sorry. I really want to hear your voice. There are different ways to navigate/look at life. We both agree about _____. I respect your opinion. I wasn’t trying to silence you but really trying to include you, understand how you see things. Every person is mysterious…. “fearfully and wonderfully made” Psalm 139:14 Advice only makes people feel worse (unless they ask for it….even then listen, ask questions, and let them come up with their own
solutions…”What do you think you should do?”)
Wise people don’t tell people what to do. Your job is to acknowledge their reality, be like a coach who helps them process their own thoughts and emotions until they come up with their own solution (The same concept is found in the book “I don’t have to make everything all better”) You see their gifts and potential and encourage them about those. You use positive reframing: “You are so blessed by____gifts___talents____potential____way you uplift others (ripple effect you have in this life).”
Remember to focus on the other person, ask them questions about themselves, put yourself in their shoes and see through their eyes, empathize and encourage, don’t give advice and don’t top their stories with your own, let them come up with their own solutions, repeat back and remember their experiences. Make them feel heard, seen, understood, valued, and loved!!!